Poopgate 2010

In light of a recent controversy a simple facebook status of mine caused, I'd like to take this opportunity to hold a brief press conference on the situation. Please hold all questions until the end. Thank you.

There was recently a movement going around facebook that women should post as their status the color/description of the bra they were wearing that day, in honor of breast cancer awareness month. Fun, harmless, thing to do right? I took part and was pleased that I happened to be wearing a cute bra that day so I didn't have to embarrass myself by writing "old raggy stretched out beige with underwire poking out." Nope, I got to write "Pink."

The next movement going around facebook was for women to post the weights that their babies were at birth. Even though I have never given birth, being the sarcastic smartass that I am, I thought of a different way to include myself in this fun, harmless activity. I decided to write the weight of something else that "came out of me" instead. So here is what I posted as my status:

All the woman on facebook are posting the weights of their babies as their status. I haven't had any babies, but I can tell you that the last shite I took the morning after a night out drinking was probably a good 1 lb 2 oz. Sorry if you didn't want to know that, but maybe I don't care how much your baby weighed either. :-)

For any of you completely out of touch with reality, let me just clarify that my statement was absolute fiction - simply a random number that I pulled out of my butt (pun intented). I don't know about any of you, but I have never actually weighed or even considering weighing my fecal matter, so I really can't say for certain how many pounds or ounces it may have been. Furthermore, I'm no expert but wouldn't 1 lb. 2 oz be a ridiculously huge dooker?! Ouch. And for the record, I don't have any problem with babies. Just ask anyone whose poor little one has had their cheeks squeezed or foreheads kissed repeatedly by me. Babies? Love 'em.

However, the very first comment posted about my status was the following, made by a woman I've met twice through another friend - and who I now realize takes herself entirely too seriously and is unable to comprehend a joke:

That's a pretty shitty thing to say. I happen to enjoy talking about my kids. Just because you don't have any does not mean you have to be rude to the rest of us. Would you like to make a rude statement regarding the posts about baby loss too!?!

Well, I didn't see anything rude about my comment and obviously would never say anything bad about the loss of a baby. In fact, I am confused as to how the leap could be made from a comment regarding a baby's birth weight to baby loss. Put down the crack pipe for a second, and take a deep cleansing breath, honey! Take yourself way too seriously, much?! The kicker is, this women "unfriended" me on facebook over what I now refer to as Poopgate 2010. Incredible! Darn it, I am really going to miss you, lady I have met twice in my life. Buh -bye.

Thank you for your attention. I will now take questions on this press conference. Wait, nevermind. I won't take any questions because I have no further comments on this matter. Other than this one last thought: Alas, this is the price I pay for being hilarious. Some people just won't get it, and will end up being offended. Luckily for me, I don't care. That is all.

Oh, and let's make world peace happen. And more importantly, harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan. Gotta love Miss Congeniality.